How to Defeat Your Demons on the Court, Part III: Anger & Despair
Anger & Despair
Although all players hate losing, some players experience loss on a deeply personal level and have serious loss aversion issues. To these players, the pain of losing one point greatly outweighs the joys of winning another. Consequently, they often spend matches battling themselves more than their opponent.
Players that feel intense anger or despair when losing can be described as pessimistic perfectionists. Their desire to prove themselves is matched or beaten by a reflex to blame themselves for nearly everything that goes wrong. As matches progress, these players may enter a “spiral of turmoil,” and they can become inconsolable, irritable, or even hostile.
Experiencing pain with loss has upsides and downsides. Certainly, loss is an opportunity for personal growth. The pain of losing should motivate players to work harder, play better, and learn more. But players that worry too much about loss often lose more because they are more focused on “not losing” rather than winning. Their anxiety around loss leads to tentative or nervous play, and the mistakes that inevitably follow misrepresent their true ability and fuel their spiral of turmoil.
Many perfectionists, perhaps most, are born that way. Others may become perfectionists because of judgment from parents, coaches, or teachers that hold them to unreasonable standards. Regardless of how one becomes a perfectionist, the research is clear: it’s bad. Perfectionists have low self-worth and high rates of depression and anxiety. These mental health issues are often evident on the court.
How to Help Perfectionists
A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Every time I raise my hands and wiggle my fingers, I feel a terrible pain in my legs.” The doctor simply responds, “Stop doing that.”
Perfectionists and those who wish to help them often see the problem much like the doctor in the joke. To them, the issue is black and white. Perfection is the absence of flaws, and someone’s nature is to pursue this unattainable goal. They should stop that.
Two things to consider: One, perfectionism, in itself, is a good thing. Perfectionists want to be the best version of themselves. No one should tell them to stop trying. Two, perfectionists are almost always entrenched in their ways; changing their nature is very unlikely or maybe impossible.
The challenge is not to change the perfectionist, but to ground them in reality so they can be happier and less anxious. To do this, perfectionists must redefine perfection and accept new rules for how they attain it. These “rules of new perfection” can (and should) be highly personal. With regards to tennis, there are at least two questions perfectionists should ask themselves.
What rules of conduct can I hold myself to no matter what?
What standards of performance can I hold myself to no matter what?
The answers to these questions define a version of perfection that is grounded in reality. Hopefully, honest answers will allow players to arrive at a place of self-acceptance and reveal the aspects of tennis (and life) that make them happy. And happy tennis is great tennis.
Keys to Defeat Anger & Despair
If these behaviors sound like you, consider doing the following to improve your mental game.
Create “rules of new perfection” and make the mental game winnable. Never play a match against yourself that you can’t win. Instead, set hard rules for yourself that are easy to keep. This will prevent total collapse and promote happiness on the court.
Never complain about making a shot or winning a point. Perfectionists often see something wrong with good outcomes. Tennis is hard enough. Take what you can get!
Express gratitude before playing. Acknowledge that tennis is an enormous privilege. Think about specific aspects of tennis that make you excited. You’re almost certainly going to hit your favorite shot; get excited about it so you can savor it when it happens. Maybe you’ll hit one great shot that will make the whole day worth it. Maybe you’ll simple enjoy the weather and the friendly competition.
